In general, tennis is not considered a contact sport (unless you’re the ball or partnered with someone who doesn’t look where they’re going). But there is an exception. That awkward time when a player has an open smash opportunity with his opponent close by. Our Curmudgeons take on the task of helping one of our regular readers know what to do:
A loyal subscriber asks: “I was playing a USTA doubles match against a very competitive team. While we were all at net exchanging volleys, I hit a lob volley short. My opponent nailed me at point blank range. It was clearly intentional. I was furious but said nothing. How should I respond to a situation like this?“
Dear Gentle Reader:
This presents somewhat of a conundrum because there in nothing in the rules preventing a player from hitting you. Pros recommend putting the point away by hitting at the feet of an opponent at net, and you could be the victim of a poorly executed shot. Nevertheless, we almost always know when we are being intentionally targeted.
There is prima facie evidence of intent to do bodily harm when you see the perpetrator staring at you with that evil eye just before taking aim (prima facie being the legal term there is enough evidence to prove guilt). Aggravated assault may not be far off the mark as a hit to the eye could be dangerous, and for men there is an alternately hazardous location.
The inclination is to take offense, “I can’t believe you were aiming at me. Are you trying to kill me? I’ve seen a few who’ve slammed a ball back or even flung a racket. But lashing out only serves to make you look like the bad guy.
Instead of responding with disbelief or anger, the Curmudgeon approach aims at eliciting guilt, shame, and public humiliation. There is no better example than the soccer flop when a player feigns a trip then falls while exhibiting excruciating pain, all in the hope of extracting a penalty. While referees are aware of this charade, the best floppers are superb actors and often win that penalty.
Applying the soccer flop to tennis, upon being hit, slowly hunch over and drop to the ground while grimacing and moaning, gasping for air is also good. Stay down until you have attracted attention from adjacent courts or onlookers. Require assistance in getting to your feet while clutching your “wound.” This assures the “hostile act” will be widely observed — with good luck publicized on Facebook and Instagram. Sure, you may still be angry, but you have just slam dunked the slammer. If on the other hand you’re the one doing the targeting, saying “I’m sorry” is too late when your vicious intent was obvious. I suggest offering a free can of balls in recompense, or if the situation calls for it, running for your car to escape retaliation, or maybe … moving to Canada. And by all means call your lawyer immediately.
PS It is a well-known fact that one of the Curmudgeon High Council is a former Rugby player, and as such has little respect for soccer players. When we interviewed him on the topic of flopping and how Rugby dealt with it, he said it was simple. If your post-incident X-Ray didn’t show any broken bones, there was no penalty.
The Curmudgeon Quarterly 